Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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