Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
