Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
