don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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