I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
