I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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