He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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