Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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