I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
