Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
