it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
