i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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