hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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