i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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