words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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