But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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