The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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