cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
