Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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