i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize