Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
