I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
