you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
