I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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