pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
