You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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