Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
