i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
