My first STD was from a foam party
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
