Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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