Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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