best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
