Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
