the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
