this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
