Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
