While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
