Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
