my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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