I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
