There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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