I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Let's get the cat blown out
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
