I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
