but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
pray to the hookup gods
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
