it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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