I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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