I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
