I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
