i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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