I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
