Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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