Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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