Soap is not a condiment
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
