Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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