I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
