Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My life is pants optional.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
