you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
