he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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