I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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